How does the identity crisis affect us?

Our sense of identity is crucial to our wellbeing. We are all unique. DNA, environment, experiences – these form the parameters of our identity. Despite knowing that we are all unique, we often need to be reassured of who we are. After all, there are over 7 billion people in the world – where do the similarities between individuals end and the differences begin?

As Larkspur writes in her post, we are the culmination of our unique traits. Yet very often, a large piece of our identity is based not on all these characteristics, but rather on a few factors we view as being fundamental to our identity. Our passions, our hobbies, our talents. Self-confidence stems from knowing who we are. But what if we don’t know ourselves?

This is where the identity crisis comes in. Perhaps an unprecedented event occurs, removing a defining factor of our identities and leaving us wondering who we truly are. All that remains is a prevailing sense of emptiness. Fear. Uncertainty. We lose focus and motivation.

Very often, this impacts our relationships, especially the development of new ones. In order to compensate for our incomplete sense of self, we project what we subconsciously feel is missing onto others. Instead of being X who has a friend Y, we become Y’s friend, X. Or Z’s girlfriend, X. Other individuals become an intrinsic part of our identity so we can satisfy and ignore that pit of uncertainty in our stomaches. We allow others to define ourselves. 

An identity crisis may leave us feeling insecure and not-so-confident. It’s alright to feel confused about who we are. After all, life is a perpetual journey to self-discovery and our perceptions of ourselves are constantly changing. What we have to remember is that even if we don’t know much about ourselves, we should still love ourselves and be confident because we all have something to contribute. The most important thing in life is to be happy, not to limit and define ourselves based on others’ expectations.

I’m no expert, but I think taking risks is important when it comes to searching for our identity. If an identity crisis deprives us of our confidence and ability to take risks, should we not defy it? It works in the reverse as well: the more risks we take, the more we learn about ourselves and the more confident we become.

I suppose this is something I’m going through. I’ve grown careful – so, so careful that there is no room for mistakes, yet also no room for growing.

Do the one thing you think you cannot do. Fail at it. Try again. Do better the second time. The only people who never tumble are those who never mount the high wire. This is your moment. Own it.

Oprah Winfrey

 

Risks, whether physical or emotional, are necessary for an individual’s development. So take that risk! It’s much worse to regret not doing something than to do it and realise that it wasn’t so bad after all.

 

Lily

A Guide to self discovery

The identity crisis of adolescence is something I’m sure you’re familiar with. ‘Just be yourself’ you hear your friends echo behind you as you walk into the pit of abyss many would call their ‘first date’. ‘Just be yourself’ your mother coaxes you as you feel the anxiety of your first job interview seep into your bones and shake you up until you rattle like a piñata.

But who am I? What exactly is ‘being myself’? I hear you mope as you brush away this overused advice as if it were lint on your jacket.

You are the culmination of all your idiosyncrasies – a mound of all your memories, beliefs and experiences that are moulded into the shape of a human and stamped with your name on the packaging. In high school with the existence of cliques and the social hierarchies it is far too easy for one to label themselves with a single quality – the smart one (nerd), the hot socialite, the weird band geek are just some of the overused terms that don’t do our innately complex selves justice.

John Green says: “Imagine people complexly.” And that is exactly what you should do with yourselves. If you are dubbed the ‘quiet one’ at school don’t fall into the trap and let that one puny word define you and definitely don’t feel like you shouldn’t step outside of the boundaries that that word draws – be fun, funny, kind, compassionate, sassy, sexy, cheery, serious and whatever else you want to be. Be a walking contradiction for all I care.

Of course there are things that identify you and that you identify with that are unable to be changed, for example, your hair colour, eye colour, skin colour, height, weight, age and ethnicity. But those qualities are but your shell. I imagine people to be a Kinder surprise egg – the chocolate shell representing your physical attributes where people just gobble up without a second glance. The capsule located inside is what you’re after – what surprises will it bring? What kind of personality does this person have? Who is she?

But I don’t know who I am? How am I supposed to find out? I hear you mumbling over me.

Answer these questions:

What are you passionate about?
What do you have that the next person doesn’t?
What are you like around the people whom you are the most comfortable with?

If you observe yourself carefully around those situations you may indeed find yourself in the process.

But I’ve done that and I don’t like who I am! I hear you whining. That’s the beauty of life. You can be whoever  you want to be. Want to be more of a caring person? What’s holding you back? If you have the will then you have the means. Would you be more comfortable with yourself if you were a funnier person? Humour can definitely be developed. Your personality is as flexible as the neurons in your brains.

So I guess what I’m saying is that who you are can be found when you are feeling the most comfortable, but saying that, if you are unhappy with yourself then you can be whoever the hell you want to be.

Larkspur

Introducing Larkspur and Lily :D

Thought it was time for a new gravatar! 😉 Credits to Larkspur for this super cute picture! 🙂

How Speaking Only Kind Words Changed My Life – GUEST BLOG

What an amazing challenge! 🙂

Kindness Blog

How Speaking Only Kind Words Changed My Life

by Alison Cebulla

May 2012 I was at a party at a friend’s house and I set my purse down in the living room thinking it was a safe space. Later in the evening I discovered that someone at the party had gone through my purse and stolen $200 cash, my iPhone, and my digital camera. Rather than ask “why did this happen to me?” which is question to which there is no fulfilling answer, I thought “how can I use this experience to transform myself in some way so that I don’t feel terrible about it?”

I thought about the fact that my possessions were stolen at a party amongst trusted friends and what that symbolized for me. Was I always so good to my friends? I realized that more often than not I put down friends behind their backs with…

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Are women considered something less than men?

In this society, if a man is called a woman, that’s the biggest insult he could get… Is that because women are considered something less?

– Andrej Pejic

This is one of those ideas that have been hanging around in my subconscious for a long time now and have been influencing my perspective of life but which I have never really been able to articulate. Then I saw this quote and it all started coming together. If we consider the entire existence of the Homo sapiens, then the past few decades during which campaigns for anti-gender discrimination have made significant progress for women’s rights are a relatively short period of time. Patriarchal societies have been sexist for the majority of their existence (if we don’t consider the time when some societies were matriarchal). This gender inequality has been so deeply entrenched into society that it may even influence individuals in ways they may not have considered sexist.

Let’s consider a ‘tomboy’. According to the Oxford dictionary, a tomboy is: a girl who enjoys rough, noisy activities traditionally associated with boys. I’ve never heard the word ‘tomboy’ used as an insult – only affectionately by people describing their friends. If girls wear masculine clothing, it’s accepted in society. When we see girls who are sporty, courageous or outgoing, we admire them (as we should). These are qualities which were traditionally considered masculine. However, if there are guys who are effeminate, there are people who will use derogatory terms such as ‘nancy’ to describe them. It’s acceptable for girls to play with toy trains, yet many blanch at the thought of boys wearing dresses or playing with dolls. There are mothers who teach their children about gender equality yet who fail to examine this fundamental issue. Guys just don’t have the same liberties as women when it comes to displaying traits typically considered to be expressed by the opposite gender. And this is not so much about society’s expectations for males to maintain their masculinity as it is about the fact that feminine qualities are viewed as being a sign of weakness and undesirable. As Andrej Pejic puts it so eloquently, is that because women are considered something less?

Gender equality isn’t just about equal rights and equal wages for women. It’s also about appreciating traditionally feminine qualities such as empathy and accepting that they are universal human traits that are wonderful regardless of whether they manifest in females or males.
Lily

5 awesome gender-bender shoujo manga :D

Hi Larkspur,

Love your taste in movies! 🙂 I shall respond with 5 of my favourite gender-bender manga (including manhwa/ manhua).

Happy Mother’s Day to the all the wonderful mums out there! 😀

I am an absolute sucker for gender-bender manga, especially if there’s romance! They’re just so cute and it’s so fun rooting for your favourite pairing. And there’s just something sweet about a guy protecting a girl even when he’s dolled up in an elegant dress or something incredibly courageous about a girl crossdressing as a man to defy the gender inequality and strict customs of her nation (go for it, Mulan!). What I like most about the gender-bender genre (where one of the main characters dresses up as a member of the opposite gender for some reason) are the misunderstandings. What happens when a guy starts falling in love with a girl… who he thinks is a guy? Or when a girl from an ambitious family in ancient China dresses up as a male servant to enter the palace and become the Emperor’s wife? If a gender-bender is well-composed, there’s so much room for comedic situations that will result in you doubling up on the floor choking with laughter. And the vast number of opportunities for novel romantic developments will keep shoujo lovers up and reading into the night.

I have read a fair number of gender-bender shoujo manga, seeing as how it is of one my favourite genres. I took a break from reading manga until a short while ago, though, so I’ll only discuss in more detail some of the ones that I thoroughly enjoyed and which left a deeper impression on me. I’ll provide a list of other gender-bender mangas I liked at the end of this post.

Now it’s time to unleash my inner fangirl. I present you with (in no particular order):
1. Cherry Boy, That Girl

5 of my Favourite Movies

Hi Lily,

That dish certainly looks delicious!

As you know, I’m quite an avid movie watcher and so over the years I’ve accumulate a few movies that I absolutely adore. These movies I’ve watched at least twice and still occasionally ‘crave’ for them so they’re definitely good. (Plus IMDB can second me on it.) Please note that these are all my own personal opinions meaning that they skew more towards the romantic drama/comedy side rather than the gun shooting CGI explosion side. However, I’ll have to unwillingly contradict myself because I am also a huge fan of any superhero movie so maybe I’ll create an entire post dedicating itself to those. Yes Lily, I will now stop rambling and get to the point.

In no particular order:

1. Silver Linings Playbook

I get furious whenever anyone dubs this as a ‘romantic comedy’ because it is so much more than what that title connotates. Sure it is romantic and funny but David O’Russell is able to create a story that is so poignant and heart-rending with characters whom are so raw and genuine that it completely stands apart from its genre. The cinematography is fantastic and will tip my non-existent hat to the performances of Bradley Cooper, Robert DeNiro and Jennifer Lawrence because they are unequalled. I cannot recommend this movie enough.

 

2. Amélie

This again is a ‘romantic comedy’ and like I said, I believe a new genre should be created called the ‘ultra-romantic comedies’, not t meaning the movies are ultra romantic or ultra comedic but just less of the meaningless and glib ones that you usually come across. Amélie is a French movie so subtitles were needed for this non-Parisian personage whose French comes to an abrupt stop at ‘bonjour’. What I love about this movie is everything – from the miniscual nuances in life that they are able to so accurately capture to the beautiful mise-en-scene that is able to sum up this movie entirely. Beautiful, vibrant and utterly unique. The story is heart-warming and endearing in a way that it just makes you want to cuddle up in bed on a languid Friday evening with (again) a hot cup of tea and just keep watching it on repeat.

 

 3. The Social Network

I was in disbelief when I realised that this movie was the coming together of one of  my favourite directors, David Fincher (Fight Club) and one of my most admired  writers, Aaron Sorkin and let me just say, the result was a masterpiece. The  dialogue is fast and snappy and enviously witty as what Sorkin’s writing is  characterised by, and the story told with the intermittents of a double legal case  worked surprisingly well. I’ve watched this movie numerous times and each time without fail I’d be able to pick up ingenious snippets of the conversation that I’d  otherwise let go over my head. Furthermore, after my third re-watch I realised  the incredible feat that the movie had achieved by making me empathize with a character whom objectively speaking, is a complete asshole.

 

4. The Great Gatsby

My previous posts would undoubtedly suggest how big of a fan I am of this movie. The Great Gatsby is one of my favourite books and F. Scott Fitzgerald is one of my favourite authors of all time. This interpretation certainly did the modern classic justice. Baz Luhrmann’s directorial style is able to perfectly reflect upon Fitzgerald’s elaborately adorned words, and I believe that even the metaphors were represented well. I’d say one should see this movie just for the glitteringly sumptuous scenes of Gatsby’s lavish, decadent parties. This movie is quite frankly a visual feast.

 

5. Goodwill Hunting

Goodwill Hunting is about a young math prodigy who works at MIT as a janitor. I’m  not going to lie – every time I watch this movie I kid you not- I actually get an urge  to go do my math homework. It’s one of those inspirational movies that stays with  you for a long time. Matt Damon’s performance is fantastic and Robin William  moved my heart to Pluto. (However I found it difficult to see him as anyone else  but Mr Keating from Dead Poet’s Society – carpe diem.) On a side note, don’t be put  off by the lurid yellow theatrical poster like I did for years. This movie has a special  place in my Pluto-residing heart.

Larkspur

Delicious Beef and pumpkin Korean dish :)

Korean style beef with pumpkin and rice cake dish (from a Korean restaurant I went to recently) 🙂 Great for the approaching winter and even more perfect for a hungry person!

Lily

My journey to overcoming procrastination: Why do we procrastinate?

The annihilator of my dreams. The thief of my time. The tyrant of my happiness.

Oh, lo and behold! It’s procrastination!

Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan Press On! has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.
– Calvin Coolidge

Inclusion by exclusion

Dear Larkspur,
I think what you’re saying is absolutely right. The media does have so much influence – imagine what could happen if we had a more equal number of people from different cultures on TV, whether on the news or in a movie or on any other form of media. Australian children would grow up being exposed to people from different racial backgrounds. And the number of images (especially for commercial purposes) we are exposed to everyday is absolutely staggering. I can’t recall the number, but I was astounded. Can you imagine it? If the media could take such a step, it would be sending this message: Tolerance. Acceptance. That cultural diversity is something to be proud of.

Yes, we can’t change racists’ minds easily, especially if they’ve held such notions for decades. But we can hope to move the younger generation. In this increasingly globalised world, one cannot afford to be insular or narrow minded.

Have you heard of the term inclusion by exclusion?